Somewhere Within
A person grows whenever he or she thinks, contem-
plates, and dreams. Your ideas, reflections, and even
random thoughts can build your self-confidence, but
you have to be aware of them to get the full benefit.
Research tells us that the human brain can think
of five to nine things at the same time, so it can be a
bit challenging to isolate and identify the confidence-
building thoughts from those that do you no good.
Realizing that you have confidence within you,
even if it has been hiding for a while, is the first step
in reinforcing it. Deciding that you want to retain and
focus on your self-confidence is the next one. By first
finding it, you then have the ability to harness it.
For many who live with doubt, or are in challenging
situations, believing that they are even capable of feeling
confident can be difficult. I recommend that, if you are
feeling this way, you find some quiet reflection time to
help you see that somewhere inside you lies a confident
thought or two. And that is all you need to get to the
next level.
To get to this point, it can help to remember a time
when you felt good about yourself and your life. Thoseare confident memories, and we all know that if you’ve
done it before, you can do it again. Reflecting on past
successes and allowing yourself to feel the positive
emotions connected with them will help you create
a greater ability to tap in to your confidence, because
you aren’t just wishing and hoping; you are seeing that
you really have been (and can be) a more self-confident
person.
Those little pieces of success, pride, and assurance
are like seeds: If you plant them, give them a little
sunlight and water (or in this case some time and
thought), you will begin to feel better about yourself
and what you are doing.
Even though this exercise doesn’t involve lifting
weights or even putting on your sneakers, it is a
workout for your emotions. Initially most people are a
little reluctant, partially because it’s unfamiliar territory,
which always produces a touch of anxiety. Pushing
through your discomfort and actually working on
identifying where your confidence lies is a task that,
when completed, you will be thankful you took on.
Once you get in touch with the reality that you have
the ability to believe in yourself (because you have had
it before), your life will get a little easier and most likely
a lot more fun.
Confidence isn’t about taking over the world; it
is about enjoying your world as much as possible. It
doesn’t take much, and you do have it inside your heart
and soul, so take a little time and look for it. I think
you will be more than pleased with yourself by what
you find
Know you are the person your kids or other
loved ones think you are. Knowing that you are
unconditionally loved can’t help but make you
feel good about yourself.
6. Wash your car, inside and out. Hey, when our
wheels are shiny, we feel better. If you don’t
think this applies to you, just remember how
you felt the last time you got a ride in someone’s
very funky car. Race you to the car wash.
7. Put on clean socks and shoes you haven’t worn
in a few days. Shoes take a day or two to release
any moisture they have absorbed, and this is a
very easy way to put a little pep back into your
step.
8. Organize your closet and get rid of anything
that no longer fits. Old clothes may come back
into style, but you really don’t want them on
hangers for the next 20 years. Throwing out
the old makes room for the new. For some, the
feeling they get from putting on a new “power
suit” fills them with self-esteem.
9. Cook a lovely meal. Even if you are by yourself,
preparing a tasty dinner, setting the table,
and treating yourself to a wonderful culinary
experience will lift your spirits. Sharing it with
someone you love and/or respect will make it
even more nurturing.
10. Look around you, remember that you started
with nothing, and know that everything you see,
you created. We can all lose our feelings of self-
worth, especially when something goes wrongin our world. The real truth is that, if you have
done it before, you can do it again. No matter
what.
None of these tasks has to be uncomfortable,
and won’t take you much time. Finding ways to give
yourself a little boost when you’re not feeling at the top
of your game is a trick that truly confident people use
on a regular basis.Negativity Kills Confidence
I was always looking outside myself for strength and
confidence but it comes from within. It is there all the time.
—Anna Freud
Negative environments where people are harsh or
even abusive to one another are toxic. No one tries
to lift you or anyone else out of the pain, and no one
can find emotional or even physical comfort—that will
lower your self-worth and perhaps even your will to
live.
This isn’t about having the occasional bad day
or moment. It’s about living and/or working in an
environment that brings or puts you down. When
someone is constantly telling you that you’re not good
enough, eventually, if you stay around a while, you will
start to believe it.Only two creatures on the planet, if you continually
tell them they are bad, will take it in and believe it: dogs
and humans. We have all seen dogs whose spirits have
been broken. They walk around with their tails between
their legs and their heads down. They get startled or
scared very easily, and can react with fear aggression
(barking or growling when they are frightened). The
poor things never seem to feel safe and secure. They
have lost their wag, and it’s sad to see.
People tend to react in similar ways when they
are living with someone who puts them down on a
regular basis or they are working for a company that
manages by intimidation. There is very little joy to be
found here, and one’s sense of self-confidence can be
easily shattered. Most people in such places are unable
to find the strength they need to battle the forces that
are attacking them because they have simply run out of
energy.
The trick here is to step back far enough to get
some perspective, and, if the circumstances I just
described truly exist, and counseling hasn’t worked or
is refused, the best move may be to just leave. I know
that’s drastic, but staying in a negative environment
or relationship because you are afraid to leave is also
known as “battered person’s syndrome,” such as when
abused women continue to go back to the home of
their abusers. They do it because the devil they know
is better than the one they don’t (as they mistakenly
think). They are returning to what is familiar.
Confidence cannot exist within an aura of meanness.
To find yourself and rebuild what has been taken fromyou, leaving a bad environment may be the answer.
This requires a type of inner strength that some find
in desperate moments—the strength that helps you
believe in yourself and to know that you do not deserve
to be treated badly, no matter what another person
says. You have finally had enough, and you reach down
to the depths of your soul and pull up whatever shreds
of self-respect you can find. The feeling may only last
for a few hours, but use that time to pack or write your
resignation, because you will never be able to flourish
where negativity and horrific behavior are allowed to
run rampant.
Once most people get out of a negative environment
or relationship, one of the first things they do is
castigate themselves by saying, “Why did it take me
so long?” But that thought is totally self-defeating. It
took as long as it took; do not waste any more time
feeling beat up. At this point you may actually be used
to it and not even see that you are doing it to yourself.
As soon as you are aware you’ve changed the behavior,
all you have to do next is whatever is in front of you.
Leave the past, and the old behaviors, behind. Accept
that you had the strength to change your life. It’s okay
to feel good about yourself.
3. Push Through the Upset
When you are going through hell—keep going.
—Winston Churchil
You had a great plan for the day ahead. You even
went to bed early so you could wake up with a little
more energy to put to your project du jour, but
something happened. Somewhere in the night, upset
struck your unconscious, or perhaps you got an early-
morning phone call or nudge, and a problem you had
not anticipated occurred. So much for your best-laid
plans.
When the unexpected happens, we usually get a
little anxious; sometimes we totally freak out. Again,
this is pretty human stuff, but the problem is that
whenever most people get derailed, their confidence is
shaken, and they can change direction (or just get lost)
and have difficulty getting back on track.
Here’s an alternate way to keep your focus and move
forward in the process: Instead of putting your project
aside to deal with the problem that’s trying to get your
attention, take the time to do what you were going
to do in the first place. By not allowing yourself to be
thrown off course, you are keeping control. If you can
sit down and complete your goal, despite your current
(and most likely momentary) circumstances, you will
build your self-confidence and won’t lose any ground.
Being able to focus, even though you are stressed,
and get the job done gives you the knowledge that, no
matter what happens, you can avoid internal musings
and excuses. Doing what needs to be done, regardless
of temporary setbacks, will make you proud of yourself.
It also produces a secondary positive outcome, which
is a greater ability to focus on the problem that cause
the upset, because you won’t be thinking of what you
haven’t gotten done.
You will also gain more clarity, and maybe even
some additional ideas of how to deal with your
dilemma while finishing the work you had planned to
do. Any time you can use your unconscious to help
you create some problem-solving skills, do it. We have
all experienced getting better ideas once our minds are
actually off a problem we are trying to solve.
In addition, you may be able to channel your nervous
energy into something much better. Just being frenetic
and ignoring what you had planned to do doesn’t help
you or anyone else. But if those around you see that,
even though the world is going to hell in a handbasket,
you can still get the job done, then everyone involved
feels more confident about you.
Sometimes putting out fires can be a way of avoiding
what you really need to be doing. So make sure the
emergency is real and you truly are needed before you
put your priorities on the shelf. The truth is that you
do have the ability to get your homework done and
save the world.
4. A Secret to Happiness
Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your
own powers you cannot be successful or happy.
—Norman Vincent Peale
I asked Marci Shimoff, author of the New York Times
best-seller Happy for No Reason and featured teacher in
The Secret, what she believed about how confidence
and happiness are related, and how, together, they can
help us create a life worth living fully.
Marci says:
I define true happiness as an inner state of
peace and well-being regardless of circumstances.
That’s why I call it “happy for no reason.” When
we experience that kind of inner happiness,
we also have high self-esteem—we believe in
ourselves and know that we are worthy regardless
of our circumstances. That is true confidence.
Developing the inner state of well-being
will create confidence in all areas of your life.
If you don’t develop inner well-being, you may
feel confident in one specific area of your life
(perhaps you’re confident in your intelligence),
but uncomfortable in many other areas. That is
“conditional confidence,” and it will never bring
you fulfillment.
Marci sees the process of developing greater
confidence like building a muscle—it takes regular
training, making a habit of doing the things that help
you feel inner peace and well-being.
Marci also believes that it’s important to listen to
and learn from your inner guidance. She says, “Trust
your intuition, as your inner wisdom will guide you to
your greatest success and happiness in life. Believe in
your wisdom and follow it.”
For many of us, trusting ourselves may be difficult
because we have been habituated to look outside of
ourselves for our answers. So it’s best to start out with
small decisions for which you are listening to your own
guidance. Then every success that comes from your
own guidance reinforces your belief in yourself.
Marci goes on to say, “Any day of the week I will put
my faith in someone who has unconditional confidence.
They are open and willing to learn whatever they need
because they have a fundamental belief in themself
[sic].”
Marci’s work has inspired millions of people to look
within and not only find happiness, but along with it
a stronger sense of self and a greater enjoyment of life.
And with that, you can live happily and confidently
every after.
5. Be Patient With Yourself
If you have confidence you have patience.
Confidence, that is everything.
—Ilie Nastase
If you don’t reach your goals the first time you try,
don’t see it as a failure. Remember that you have learned
something and will do better next time. The way to
develop self-confidence is to know that, no matter what
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